Now, about this story - wow! It really got away from me. It turned out to be over 4,000 words!! And it's really not very plotty! I went in with a vague idea of a bartender, misery, and a style of writing, and it really went crazy. I decided to write this in a nonlinear style - the events aren't chronological. In some ways, this was more freeing than linear writing, but in others, I found it more difficult. Sometimes I'd be like, "Wait, I can't put this scene next, that's too close to the actual order!" It was good fun, though. I'd love to know what you think of the end result. :) Oh, and I haven't edited this, so if you see typos, please let me know. Thanks!
Title: "The Bar Story" (suggestions, PLEASE!)
Warnings: I'd say overall this is a rating of about PG-13, so keep that in mind.
Summary: "Most men live lives of quiet despeartion." - Henry David Thoreau
Length: ~4,100 words!!
Notes: Third person point of view, present tense. I've no idea what the genre is. It's got a bit of everything, and the main relationship can be interpreted many different ways. I suppose I'll go with "drama" because that's pretty much all-encompassing.
“You don’t like that, do you?” Nate says quietly.
She glares at him, but she is tired today and it shows. “I don’t like what?”
“When I touch your ring.”
They both glance down at the small ring on her pale hand. In the dim lighting of the bar, the ring shines as tiredly as its owner.
“No, I don’t like it, you astute genius.”
Nate finds it oddly endearing that even when she looks like a breeze could knock her down, she still manages to insult him.
“Why does that bother you?” he asks.
She doesn’t answer, but he is used to that.
***
She’s in here again today. Nate’s been watching her – not creepily, mind you, just interestedly. She intrigues him.
She’s sitting alone at the far end of the barstools. There’s an empty seat next to her but Nate would wager that no one will take it. She seems to emit some kind of anti-pheromone – stay away, you won’t get anything from me. Or maybe it’s the ring on her finger.
She’s older than most of the people who frequent this bar, too. Not by much, but he can see some gray in her hair when she pushes it behind her ears. Premature aging, maybe, but she’s probably at least mid-thirties. Just a bit older than him.
Nate makes his way over to her. He’s unofficially become the one to serve her, because no one else wants to.
“Hello,” he says with his best smarmy smile. “What’ll it be tonight?”
“One scotch on the rocks, seeing as it’s the only halfway decent thing you guys serve here,” she orders.
“Coming right up!” Nate says. “But I’d say it’s a bit more than halfway decent.”
She just looks at him balefully and sneers. She doesn’t respond.
He goes to get her drink.
***
“Who is that woman?” Nate gestures to a dignified, aristocratic woman perched on one of their cushy barstools. She is staring into the middle distance, her brow furrowed. She looks very out of place.
“I don’t know, man,” Josh replies. “But I would stay away from her. She’s probably one of those angry drunks.”
“But she’s not even drinking anything,” Nate points out.
“Oh. I guess someone should ask her, then,” Josh says, but makes no move to ask her himself.
“I get the feeling that by ‘someone’ you mean ‘Nate’,” Nate says.
Josh grins and slaps him on the back. “Got it in one, man.”
Nate considers it. She might be broadcasting “stay away” to everyone within a five-mile radius. She might be a serial killer or a closet alcoholic. They’ve gotten both of those here.
But she’s also intriguing, and his mother always said that curiosity would be his downfall.
He makes his way over to her. She doesn’t look up, even when he’s directly in front of her.
“And what would you like, ma’am?” Nate asks. “If you’d like to see a menu –”
“Just get me your strongest drink,” the woman grunts. An angry drunk, then. Her voice is hoarse and gravelly and it sounds like she hasn’t used it for a while.
“That would be our scotch on the rocks, prepared in the finest vineyards –”
“That’ll do. Spare me the drivel, I’m going to order it regardless.”
“Um,” Nate says, a bit surprised. He’s dealt with rudeness before, of course, but somehow – this woman seemed so dignified –
“Alright. One scotch on the rocks, coming right up. And if I may ask your name?” He doesn’t need to know her name to give her her order, but he wants to.
“You may not,” the woman says, completely straight-faced. After a few seconds Nate realizes that she isn’t joking.
“Oh,” he says. “Okay, then. Ma’am.”
***
“You know, if you don’t tell me your name soon, I’ll have to make one up for you.”
She doesn’t say anything, but Nate likes to think that he can see her smile against the edge of the glass.
“It’s silly. To keep your name this kind of secret. If you’re aiming for an air of mystery, it’s working… but do you really want people to think you’re an escaped convict on the run, or a jilted lover hell-bent on getting revenge?”
She raises cynical blue eyes to his. “Why wouldn’t I just change my name, if that were the case?”
He shrugs. “You tell me.”
“Make up a name for me, then. I don’t mind.” She sips her scotch and stares at him, managing to look regal and challenging at the same time.
“Alright, then,” Nate says. “Alright. Maybe I will.”
“I can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with,” she says. It’s meant to be mocking, but it almost makes Nate smile. Because it means that she’ll be sticking around long enough for him to come up with a name.
***
She always orders one cup of scotch on the rocks. Only one. She takes her time sipping it, and then she goes home. She rarely socializes with anyone and she never gets drunk.
But today is different. Nate had a feeling it would be the moment he saw her walk inside. He doesn’t know where she comes from when she enters the bar and he doesn’t know where she goes when she leaves it. He doesn’t know much of anything about her. But when she steps inside, he knows that today will be different.
It starts out the same. She orders one scotch on the rocks and insults either him or the establishment. Nate brushes off her insults like they’re flies and gives her a cup. It’s rush hour, so he has to leave her alone while he tends to everyone else. Maybe an hour or two in, she signals to him. He walks over.
“Yes?”
She looks at him with half-closed eyes. She lifts up her glass, the ice clinking and sloshing around. It’s empty, Nate realizes with surprise.
“Get me another.”
Nate frowns. “You want a refill?” She’s never asked for this before, and he feels like they’re on very precarious uncharted territory, perhaps approaching a cliff on a foggy day.
“Yeah, that’s what I said, idiot.”
“Well… okay. Coming right up.”
It’s still pretty busy, so once Nate gets her the refill he busies himself with everyone else. He’s just giving this young couple their drinks when someone taps him on the shoulder. It’s Josh.
“You scared me!” Nate says, a hand to his racing heart. Josh just grins at him, not looking at all apologetic. “What is it?”
“Dragon Lady is calling for a refill again.”
Dragon Lady is what they call her. Nate doesn’t condone it, but he doesn’t blame them. She can be pretty vicious. Still… “Would you stop calling her that? And why are you telling me this? If she wants a refill, shouldn’t you be getting her one?”
“Hello?” Josh says with enough sarcasm to cover all seven seas. “We call her Dragon Lady for a reason, man. You’re the only one she doesn’t burn to a crisp.”
Nate rolls his eyes. “It’s not my job to give her refills all the time.”
Josh is quiet for a while. Then he says, “Actually, man, it kinda is.”
Nate sighs. It’s probably best if he keeps an eye on her, anyways. Something has got to be up if she’s asking for a second refill. “Alright, Josh. I’ll go. Cover this couple for me, will you?”
“Sure,” Josh says, almost wilting with relief. A young, loving couple is much better than Dragon Lady, obviously. “Wear your fireproof gloves!” he calls after Nate as he makes his way toward her.
Nate waves his hand in acknowledgement and dismissal. Let Josh have his fun.
He brings her another glass, exchanging it for the other one, which she’s drained dry. She looks up at him them, and the abject misery in her eyes is so startling that for a moment he can’t breathe.
“Thanks,” she says, slurring a little. She tilts her head back and takes a gulp.
It’s the first time she’s ever thanked him.
***
“I think it should begin with ‘m’,” Nate says, putting a finger to his chin in mock thought. He’s sitting beside her on one of the barstools. It’s a slow time and he’s on break.
She rolls her eyes at him. “Why, smartass?”
Nate shrugs. “I’m not sure. You just seem like a ‘m’ kind of lady.”
She scoffs, but he ignores her. He’s pretty good at that. “Maybe Mary. Or Mayrse.”
“Mayrse?” she questions with raised eyebrows. “Where’d you dig that one up? Your great-great-great-grandmother’s tomb?”
“Oh, shut up,” Nate answers, but without much heat. Mayrse might have been the name of one of his grandmothers, come to think of it.
“Mayrse is better than Dragon Lady,” Nate points out.
“Hmm?”
“Oh, you haven’t heard?” Nate grins in wicked delight. “Everyone here calls you Dragon Lady.”
She mulls it over for a bit. He watches as she soundlessly tries it out – ‘Dragon Lady’. “I think I kind of like it,” she finally admits.
“You would. But I’m still going to call you Mayrse. Or maybe Marcia…”
***
They’re closing up. Nate doesn’t know where the time has gone, but they’re closing up and she’s still there. Possibly on her fifth drink. All he knows is it’s way more than normal and she’s got to be absolutely trashed by now.
He walks over to her. She’s staring intently at something in her shaking hands. As he gets closer, he sees that it’s a picture of a family. He wonders if it’s hers.
“We’re closing,” Nate tells her as he leans across the counter from where she sits. She doesn’t reply for a while. Then she says, inconsequentially, “It was t’day.”
“What was today?” Nate leans forward a bit more. It occurs to him, then, that maybe tonight is when he will finally get his answers. She’s drunk and that usually makes people spill their secrets. He’s lost track of how many sob stories he’s heard by rambling sad drunks, how many fight scenes described by insulted angry drunks. He could find out all about her tonight. He could ask for her name.
But somehow, Nate’s not sure he wants to know any of that. He’s not sure he wants to know what could cause a beautiful woman to be so bitter, to come to a seedy bar every single day and hardly interact with anyone. He’s not sure he wants to know who she really is, or who she was, or even who she will be.
It’s too late for second thoughts, though. She’s already answering his question – or trying to.
“T’day when… my ‘usband… he… he did’is best, but ‘ow wazzee supos’d know…” and to Nate’s utter shock, she starts crying. Not huge, heaving, snotty sobs, or even keening whines. She’s almost entirely silent. It’s like she doesn’t even realize that she’s crying. She just keeps on blinking, and the tears slide down her face and drip down her chin. It’s the most heartbreaking thing Nate has ever seen. And he doesn’t want to know, he really doesn’t. But curiosity killed the bartender…
“What happened?” Nate asks quietly. She raises her tear-streaked face to look at him. At this moment, she looks stone-cold sober. Nate knows that she is deciding whether to tell him anything. For a while she doesn’t respond.
On her side of the counter it is dark and silent. On Nate’s side it is bustling and bright. But the two of them are wrapped in a cocoon of silence, and if a stampede of elephants came through the bar right now, Nate probably wouldn’t notice.
“T’day waz the day when… when ‘e died,” she says.
Nate can’t say he’s surprised. Just by looking at her you got a sense of grief. And she never wore bright colors.
“Who died?” he questions, his voice as low as it can get. He doesn’t want to know, not really, but he has to. And he already has an inkling. The ring…
But she’s clearly had too much excitement for the night, and she’s about to fall asleep on the counter. He helps her outside and calls a cab.
He wonders how much of this she’ll remember tomorrow.
***
“And you wouldn’t believe some of the people who came in here,” Nate says, shaking his head. “And the things they asked for! This is a bar, not a porn shop!”
She (Nate thinks he’ll call her Mayrse) throws her head back and laughs. Her laughter is rough and gets caught in her throat a bit, but it does wonders for the both of them. Pretty soon Nate is laughing, too, and people are looking at them oddly. Nate doesn’t care.
“I’d think that really has more to do with what constitutes a porn shop,” Mayrse says. “For example, I’m pretty sure you can get prostitutes here.”
“True,” Nate acknowledges with a dip of his head. “But even then I think you’d call it a prostitute shop. Not a porn shop.”
“Or maybe you’d go really wild and call it a bar,” she says with a tired grin. Nate smiles.
“Good one, Mayrse.”
“It’s Grace.”
“What?”
“My name, Einstein. It’s Grace, Grace Kellington.”
Nate doesn’t say anything for a while. He feels like a chorus of angels should descend from heaven right about now. Because he’d finally done it – got her, the Dragon Lady, Mayrse, Grace – to tell him her name. And he hadn’t even had to use questionable methods.
Finally, Nate replies, “It suits you.”
Grace smiles.
***
The woman is quickly becoming a regular. Humans are creatures of habit, but some of that are more habitual than others. This woman is one of those people. She does the same thing every day. And yet she still manages to be shrouded in mystery.
Josh says she has the temper of a dragon. The other staff agree with him. Nate thinks she isn’t too bad. He tells her this as he brings her the scotch on the rocks.
“You’re not so bad, you know,” Nate says, sliding the drink toward her. “I think you’re one of those people who is secretly a philanthropist or something.”
“A philanthropist?” She says the word the way someone else might say “baby killer”. Nate chuckles.
“Okay, maybe not that,” he concedes. “But your bark is bigger than your bite.”
“If you keep on spouting naïve platitudes I might just have to throw this drink in your face,” she says in an impressively toneless voice.
Nate just shrugs. “See?” he says to no one. “Case in point.”
“I like you better than the others,” she says, and Nate feels a sudden warmth in his heart. “But don’t push it.”
“Philanthropist,” Nate says.
“Piss off,” she responds.
***
“How do you do it?”
She raises her eyebrows. “How do I do what? Honestly, you’ve got to stop with these vague questions.”
Nate sighs, trying to think of a way to rephrase his question and make it sound polite at the same time. After a moment, he realizes that is basically impossible. Well, here goes nothing.
“How do you come here every day and just order one drink – our strongest drink, mind you – and not get drunk?”
“Isn’t that obvious?” she answers. Her eyebrows are still raised. “I’m not a lightweight. Or an alcoholic.”
“Why do you come here, then? Why do you do this?”
Her gaze hardens and he thinks that she won’t answer. But then she says, tightly, “Maybe sometimes I need to get away from it all. Maybe I like being here. Maybe it takes my mind off things.”
“What things?” Unconsciously, Nate reaches for her hand. He covers her hand with his, and to his surprise, she doesn’t pull away.
“What does it keep your mind off of?” He repeats. His thumb idly brushes against the ring she always wears. He watches her tense almost imperceptibly. Carefully, she pulls her hand out from underneath his and sets it out of his reach. Her ring gleams in the light. He can almost see his fingerprints on it, marring its perfect polish.
She doesn’t answer his question.
***
It’s Christmas Eve and the bar is packed. Nate’s always thought that the popularity of this bar on holidays has always fluctuated. Some years this is the place to be on Christmas or New Year’s or whatever. Other years everyone’s at home with their families. This is obviously one of the party years.
Except there is one person who is here and not partying. It’s her, of course. M, Mary, Mayrse, what-have-you. He feels a strong sense of kinship with her then. Because he’s not partying, either.
He finishes wiping the counter and then sits down next to her with a sigh. Even with the bar this full, no one had taken the adjacent seat. It works to Nate’s advantage.
“Merry –” Nate begins, but she cuts him off.
“Don’t even try to spread the holiday cheer. I’ve had enough carolers knocking on my door to last me a lifetime. And enough hobos asking for donations to cost me my entire salary.”
“I shouldn’t known you’d be a Grinch,” Nate says with a grin.
She looks confused. “A Grinch?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Nate exclaims. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of the Grinch!”
“Well, I haven’t,” she says, starting to look a little cross and put-upon. “It sounds like some sort of oven.”
“Oven!” She just scowls at him and Nate realizes that the incredulous act is getting a little old. But still… what kind of deprived person didn’t even know what the Grinch was? “The Grinch is far from an oven. It’s a movie. Well, a book that got turned into a movie. Tell you what – some day I’ll show it to you.”
Nate doesn’t realize what he has offered until he has already spoken. It is an admission, of sorts. We’re friends.
After a moment, she says, “I’d like that. To see the Grinch.”
It is a confirmation, of sorts. Friends.
***
“It wasn’t your husband who died, was it.”
It’s not really a question and it’s not vague. It’s not like Nate to be this direct at all, really. But he thinks he’s finally figured it out.
Grace regards him with a blank stare. “I wondered when you would figure it out,” she says. She’s doing a good job at keeping her emotions from showing, but it’s been nearly a year and Nate knows her well by now. And he knows that she is far from emotionless.
He takes his customary seat next to her on the barstool. “Who was it?” he asks. His voice is as soft as it was the first time he asked this. “Who died?”
Grace twirls the simple ring around and around on her finger. The ring that Nate had assumed was a wedding ring, but that he now realizes was on the wrong finger. He should have noticed that before.
“My son,” she finally answers in a whisper. “Timmy. He was only seven when he… when he died. Car crash. My husband was in it, too. He got out alright but Timmy…”
Grace buries her head in her hands, and Nate can hear her muffled sobs. He tentatively puts his arm around her shaking shoulders, and to his relief, she leans into him. He strokes Grace’s hair in a sort of daze.
She lost a son. A little seven-year-old boy. Her son.
My God, Nate thinks. He was right. He doesn’t want to know. But now he knows, and he will do everything to help Grace. He likes to think that he already has, a little. At least she has a shoulder to cry on, now.
***
“What was that picture of? The one you were holding that night you got really drunk?”
She rolls her eyes at him. “God, you’re insatiable, you know that? And what picture? You expect me to remember details of that night?”
“Oh, come on,” Nate begs. “There can’t be many pictures that you carry around with you all the time.”
“It was nothing, you little jerk,” she insists. “I was just mooning over something silly. I think it was a picture of my mom, my dad, and me at a theme park or something. Nothing important.”
Nate doesn’t believe her, but decides to let the matter drop. When she’s ready, she’ll tell him. Just like she’ll tell him her name. Hopefully. He always could get her drunk…
Nah. That would ruin the triumph of it.
“What about that ring?” Nate asks lowly, recognizing that he might be treading on dangerous terrain. “Is that sentimental?”
The look that she gives Nate answers better than any words ever good. Yes, you stupidface, of course it is. Why else would I wear it? Now leave me alone.
Nate does.
***
“Where are we going?” Grace asks, following Nate up the stairs. They’re going through a little-known side door in the bar.
“Outside,” Nate answers. “To one of the most exclusive rooftop gardens ever.”
Grace rolls her eyes, but Nate doesn’t take notice of eye movement. He’s too busy studying the dark circles underneath those eyes.
Tomorrow is the day. The day of the car crash. The day that Grace lost everything. Nate knows that she hasn’t been sleeping well, or doing well at all, really. But he’s determined to keep her from drinking herself to an early grave this year.
After a bit more walking, they emerge outside. It’s a very clear night, and the moon shines brightly overhead, dying the plants silver. Nate takes Grace’s hand and leads her to one of the benches. Grace doesn’t flinch when he touches the ring on accident.
“Timmy gave me that ring,” Grace says, her voice far away and her eyes farther. “For mother’s day. He went with his friend’s mom and picked it out just for me. Timmy was the sweetest, kindest –”
Her voice catches, and Nate is distressed to learn that her sobs are much less rusty than her laugh.
They sit down on the bench, Grace valiantly blinking away tears. She takes in her surroundings for the first time as she does so. There are rosebushes, ferns, azaleas, and countless other plants. Under the light of the moon, they all look the same.
“It’s beautiful,” Grace whispers.
Nate nods, but his mind is on something else. “I want you to look up for me, Grace,” he says quietly. “Look up at the sky.”
Grace actually obeys him, tilting her head to gaze at the stars. Nate follows suit. Stars have always seemed a bit cold and far away to him, but tonight, they’re twinkling warmly. There are a lot more visible than usual.
“Timmy’s up there somewhere, Grace,” Nate whispers. “Maybe he has his own constellation. And he doesn’t want you to be unhappy. He doesn’t want you to suffer. He wants you to look at the stars and remember him, but he wants you to live. There is no reason to stop living because Timmy has died. You deserve just as much happiness as any other person.”
Nate glances over to see Grace still looking up at the stars, surprisingly dry-eyed. Then, without saying a word or looking at Nate, she takes a picture out of her pocket. It shows a family – a younger Grace, vibrant and happy, a young man with a scraggly beard, and a little boy. Timmy. He is bald, wearing one of the biggest smiles Nate has ever seen, and holding tightly onto Grace’s hand.
This is the picture Grace was looking at that one day. Nate is sure of it.
Grace stares at the picture for a moment, and then gazes back up at the sky. A small smile graces her lips, and Nate wonders what she is thinking about. He hopes that he’s gotten through to her, helped her in some way.
After a while, Grace turns to look at him. She smiles. “Thank you, Nate,” she says. “I think I really needed someone to tell me that.”
“I’m glad I could be of service,” Nate replies.
“Piss off,” Grace says, but she’s smiling. She looks down at the picture again and puts it away. Then she closes her eyes for a moment. It’s the first time Nate’s really seen her at peace.
It’ll be a long healing process, Nate knows. But they’ve just taken the first step. And Nate will help Grace every step of the way. No matter how many times she tells him to piss off.
THE END J
Wow -- those 4,000+ words flew by I was so captivated! Very well written, and impressively orchestrated. Your use of nonlinear prose reminds me of a roller coaster where you have ups and downs and twists and loops -- a journey laced with thrills and an ending that is satisfying and comforting.
ReplyDeleteps i apologise in advance for any weird words you may find due to the autocorrect.
ReplyDelete***
You managed to tell a complete story, even in such a mixed up order, scenes lays seemed to make sense where they were, and the whole thing ended up making sense.
***
I'm curious whether you wrote it fragmented, or had to write it in order and then scramble.
***
It was a great, powerful piece with strong characters, a great universal plot, and amazing symbols.
***
Either way, it turned out amazingly!
***
You also used names very well to both chart a progression of changing attitudes, and coanchor parts of the story to specific phases of their relationship.
***
I definitely had to write this in order and then scramble it.
***
Sorry for delaying so long, but I read this last monday an d didn't get much farther than that first "wow."
***
In the spirit of your story this first thing will be nonlinear.
***
wow. this was an amazing, amazing, amazing story!
***
good 1st scene. It sets up the two mcs and demonstrates their typical interaction.
“No, I don’t like it, you astute genius.” - she has a particular way of spacing that you capture (and created!) very well.
Nate finds it oddly endearing that even when she looks like a breeze could knock her down, she still manages to insult him. - good first impression of this mysterious woman.
She doesn’t answer, but he is used to that. - another good way to set her character, as well as let the reader know that this scene is in the middle of their relationship.
***
this works well as a shift, because it answers some of the questions raised in the first scene, who is this woman, how do they know each other, etc., while leaving others unanswered in a successful psychological scheme to get the reader to keep scrolling. By these first two scenes alone, I don't know if I'd know that this scene took place before, not after, the first, but I think that soon becomes clear, even if you hadn't made it clear in the intro.
not creepily, mind you, just interestedly. She intrigues him. - good insight into his motives.
Or maybe it’s the ring on her finger. - ties this back to the 1st scene.
She’s older than most of the people who frequent this bar - gives her a past, a backstory, that we want to dig up now. readers are like little paparazzi's.
“Hello,” he says with his
best smarmy smile. - amazing less-than-one-liner that says a lot about how they interact. shows a certain stage of their interaction that you can see changes.
this is clearly before the others,so the reader can figure out the nonlinearity of the narrative. A great intro to her, especially good because we know at least a little how she is, and can laugh at Nate's initial though perfectly reasonable reactions.
ReplyDeleteShe’s probably one of those angry drunks.” / “But she’s not even drinking anything,” Nate points out. - good moment of humour.
“Oh. I guess someone should ask her, then,” Josh says, but makes no move to ask her himself.
“I get the feeling that by ‘someone’ you mean ‘Nate’,” Nate says.
Josh grins and slaps him on the back. “Got it in one, man.”
Nate considers it. She might be broadcasting “stay away” to everyone within a five-mile radius.
She might be a serial killer or a closet alcoholic. They’ve gotten both of those here. - another one!
“That would be our scotch on the rocks, prepared in the finest vineyards –” / “That’ll do. Spare me the drivel, I’m going to order it regardless.” - good interaction, and nice to see how different their approaches are. Though, unfortunately for Nate, whisky doesn't come from grapes… (don't worry - it's good to not know those sorts of things.)
“Um,” Nate says, a bit surprised. … seemed so dignified - I like this clash of impression and the reaction to it. We can see how it is intriguing to him.
“You may not,” the woman says, completely straight-faced. After a few seconds Nate realizes that she isn’t joking. - this is a great scene, funny, in character, and works well asa a map of their relationship, especially because you end up making the name thing a huge issue.
***
Great scene that brings the last comment from the scene before and turns it into a central point of their interaction. You can see a changing relationship. It's amazing how linear this story feels in ways, even though it is decidedly not. Amazingly done!
Nate likes to think that he can see her smile against the edge of the glass. - different. you see how he is changing his views of her. and get a hint that she is changing too.
It’s meant to be mocking, but it almost makes Nate smile. Because it means that she’ll be sticking around long enough for him to come up with a name. - phenomenal! closes this scene perfectly while setting up the rest of the story!
great because it sets the rest of the narrative, characterised by increasing divergence from the habitual, and discovery of real motives behind Grace's demeanour.
ReplyDeleteShe always orders one cup of scotch on the rocks. Only one. She takes her time sipping it, and then she goes home. She rarely socializes with anyone and she never gets drunk. - the habitual mood of this contrasts well with the reality of what the reader sees in the story, which is constantly changing, but also gives a good feeling that the story. has taken a long time.
But today is different. - great starting off, contrasting with previous passage too.
Nate had a feeling it would be the moment he saw her walk inside. - shows how he does know the bar side of her very well.
He doesn’t know where she comes from .. where she goes when she leaves it. - amazing contrast between his knowledge of her inside and out of the bar. really goes well especially because of the way the storey is structured, so that we don't see anything else either. and really well done how you change it all without even taking us or Nat outside of the bar (until the very end).
Nate brushes off her insults like they’re flies and gives her a cup. - good tio see how he has acclimatised to her demeanour.
It’s empty, Nate realizes with surprise. - symbolic?
he feels like they’re on very precarious uncharted territory, perhaps approaching a cliff on a foggy day. - great analogy!
“Yeah, that’s what I said, idiot.” - her language doesn't change at all, even though everything else is changing, which shows us (and Nate) just how superficial her rudeness really is.
Dragon Lady is what they call her. - good how the many names stage this story.
She looks up at him them, and the abject misery in her eyes is so startling that for a moment he can’t breathe. - this is incredible - for the first time you let Nate and the reader glimpse past her mask, even if just for a second! Really shows there is something beneath, and sets a burning desire to know.
It’s the first time she’s ever thanked him. - really sad… also an amazing way to end the scene.
***
a good dialogue that shows them interacting on a much more personal level. the names play into this progressing relationship phenomenally, no name to name imposed by others to name imposed by him to name given to him by her. shows increasing levels of open and reciprocal interaction.
“Where’d you dig that one up? Your great-great-great-grandmother’s tomb?” - she is witty in hr insults, and the playful tone of this one shows a softening on her part.
Mayrse might have been the name of one of his grandmothers, come to think of it. - funny and shows another way he deals with her.
“I think I kind of like it,” she finally admits. / “You would…” - good, and shows a more give/take thing as she takes the name the bar has imposed on her and makes it hers. Changes the meaning of that name. And Nate refuses to use it still, showing his attitude toward both her and it.
this is the first piece that I found easy to place exactly into the chronological order of the events, and you do a great job right from the first line putting it there. This "sequel" to the last scene is very well done. It really shows another part of her, and for the first time we see what we've always known - that she does have a life outside the bar. And we begin to see that she cares about things, that maybe she could care about someone new…
ReplyDeleteNate doesn’t know where the time has gone, but they’re closing up and she’s still there. - the not-knowing and fear of it works veery well in this scene and its chronological predecessor.
As he gets closer, he sees that it’s a picture of a family. - this picture serves a great purpose, managing to take us outside her life at the bar, while keeping her physically within it, for maximum symbolic effect at the end. A good creation!
Then she says, inconsequentially, “It was t’day.” - you show how routine breaks down very well, throwing unexpected twists all over what even the reader in so short a time has come to see, through the banter across many fragments of time, is a very set process of interaction controlled by unspoken barriers - insults only, superficial talk, lots of humour, and one drink, several hours, forget-about-me-when-I-wlk-out-of-the-door attitude.
But somehow, Nate’s not sure he wants to know … even who she will be. - shows he cares. You portray this aspect of his character very well, and it is why people will like him. He really does want to make it more than a customer/server relationship, even if he is afraid. But we see that he does do it…
she starts crying. … It’s the most heartbreaking thing - this unexpected reaction shows a whole new layer to her character that we have never seen, gives "dragon lady" a new, human dimension. The description of how she cries is one of the story's best moments (and so sad)!
But curiosity killed the bartender… - seems a little out of place in this very intensely emotional scene, and also seems to misrepresent his intentions, as I understand them. Is it curiosity? I got the sense it was more, a curiosity that comes from caring. This is a very very strong scene, and this little saying seemed somewhat trite, and briefly pulled me out of the moment. Of course, don't take that as criticism, because that could be exactly its intention. Maybe Nate isn't ready to open up his heart. Maybe he is using triteness as a shield (after all, the story IS told from his point of view).
“What happened?” Nate asks quietly. ... she is deciding whether to tell him anything. - it's hard to put sincerity into a drunken moment but you do it veery well. That she chooses to say it makes what she says so much more important!
On her side of the counter ... wouldn’t notice. - symbolic and really sets a feeling for the scene. The reader is totally entrapped in the story right now…
Nate can’t say he’s surprised. Just by looking at her you got a sense of grief. And she never wore bright colors. - For some reason I feel very critical when I read this scene, and I figured out why. It's because it's so darn GOOD! It is amazingly den, and so anything in it that is only great not amazing seems bad in comparison. But it isn't! It's all so very good! Especially on a scene like this that is so hard to write. Okay, you were probably groaning through that whole thing because you know what's coming. Really it's not going to be all that bad. This just seem,ed kind of a letdown to me. I don't know what I expected. More sympathy? Not necessarily surprise, but maybe understanding. Of course, this could be Nate's character I'm objecting to, rather than the way it was written.
“Who died?” he questions ... The ring… - I really though it was the husband. Good job making this a sort of mystery, and a very important part of her story that still needs to come forth.
This is a wonderfully done exchange. It shows the next stage in their relationship. It' great to see how she becomes more comfortable with him, and how he really does care. His reaction to her name shows a true investment.
ReplyDelete“And you wouldn’t believe … not a porn shop!” - funny, good contrast to the seriousness, and shows a new, even more casual interaction that lets us know it is later, chronologically.
Her laughter is rough ... but it does wonders for the both of them. - great description and symbolism!
“It’s Grace.” / “What?” / “My name, Einstein. It’s Grace, Grace Kellington.” - I like how casually this is done, it really suits her. I especially like the line "My name, Einstein."
Nate doesn’t say anything for a while. He feels like a chorus of angels should descend from heaven right about now. - this is a good, fulfilling reaction.
got her, the Dragon Lady, Mayrse, Grace - the trace through the progression of names really works here!
Finally, Nate replies, “It suits you.” / Grace smiles. - great ending!
***
This scene is very well placed. It's so hard after a series of revealing "late" scenes to put in an "early" one, where we know she will be rude and not reveal any of her real self. But this really succeeds! The contrast highlights how far he's come, but the similarity shows the inevitability of what they have in the later scenes. You do so well portraying this complex, dynamic relationship and characters in a jumbled order that actually makes sense!
She does the same thing every day. And yet she still manages to be shrouded in mystery. - she does hide in habitually, which makes the final scene, out of the bae, extremely powerful!
Josh says she has the temper of a dragon. - good to anchor this in time, right before "dragon lady."
“A philanthropist?” She says the word the way someone else might say “baby killer”. - funny and fitting. (Technical issue I think you're supposed to put period to left of closing quote even when quotinbg only a "word," but I've seen it done both ways so maybe it's on of those criticize/criticise things. Not that this is criticism (criticizm?). Check with Strunk and White perhaps.)
naïve platitudes - I love her wittiness and sesquipedalianity. Where'd you dig up "platitudes"? Your great-grandmother's tomb? (Another great line, sorry. had to quote it. Anyway, nice, fancy word! Fits Grace, too) (Technical issue: I think you do put ! and ? to the right of a one-word quote like "platitudes," though . and , go to the left. I think. Don't know, though. Of course, if the ! or ? is part of the quote, then don't. (e.g. then he said, "What?" and then said "Oh!" and other "things.")
“I like you better than the others,” she says, and Nate feels a sudden warmth in his heart. “But don’t push it.” - great line, and especially now that we know what happens after.
“Philanthropist,” Nate says. / “Piss off,” she responds. - another great and funny interchange.
***
Another great scene, kind of hard to place exactly because you don't use her name, but they seem on a fairly friendly, but still guarded, level. This is a good prelude to the first scene, and that's where I place it chronologically.
“Maybe sometimes I need to get away from it all.” - a nice admission of a life past what we see. Its placement lets us know that there had been some suggestion before the story starts, of her life "outside" and explains his motivations and curiosities.
to his surprise, she doesn’t pull away. - a move out of the pattern and we are surprised by this initial reaction. But her final response shows how she does not speak easily, and makes the reader appreciate how long it took.
He watches her tense … perfect polish. - excellent description, and use of the ring of a symbol of that hidden thing that we think is the dead husband at this point. It is cool how you notice that there is no other mark on it, but his.
Another scene fitting between the others. In a way these fill in gaps of what we know of them, let us see a progression that seemed quick at grist, without being bothered by the need to know wht happened. Like death, we are more interested in what made events happen than what ended up happening. This is a good balance of mystery and character interaction.
ReplyDelete“Merry –” Nate begins, but she cuts him off. - this and following is a great dialogue of the type unique to these characters.
It is an admission, of sorts. We’re friends. … It is a confirmation, of sorts. Friends. - this is very well done, helps explain how he slowly cracked her nut, and is done in a nice way, with interesting symbols (that the grinch bonds them…).
***
A really pivoting scene, well done. This is when you really explain about her, and when we finally realise why she is at the bar each day. You allow such a nice interaction, and contrast it so well with earlier scenes.
“It wasn’t your husband who died, was it.” - good start, because you certainly hinted this, but very, very, subtly, more by not mentioning anything about the husband. I was surprised, but that only shows how he would know her much better, because of the length of the process that we only can imagine, but not live.
“My son,” she finally answers in a whisper. - talking is always healing, and a very touching moment when she finally tells someone.
My God, Nate thinks. He was right. He doesn’t want to know. - now we see that he does want to know, because he wants to help. maybe the reluctance earlier was only him not getting to know her well yet.
He likes to think that he already has, a little. At least she has a shoulder to cry on, now. - it's really a nice ending to see how he started trying to know her just out of curiosity, and ended up being her healer.
***
This last early scene correlates a great contrast with the ones it is between. makes us able to see the whole change in a way we maybe couldn't if it was linear, because then it is slow and feels less dramatic. Also the picture serves as a way to bring continuity to a fragmented piece.
When she’s ready, she’ll tell him. - he knows, even then, that he has to go slowly. which is why it's fine that the story is very long.
Nah. That would ruin the triumph of it. - again, clashes, but in a good way. he is not ready in this scene, and its casuality makes the sincerity of the last scene much greater.
Nate asks lowly, - I suppose he could ask lowly, but did he also ask at a pace that was not fast.
Yes, you stupidface, of course it is. Why else would I wear it? Now leave me alone. / Nate does. - I love the way he knows her well enough to put words into her mouth, and there is no doubt by this point in the story that is exactly what she would've said. Also, his reaction is perfect, and shows the key to the whole process. He is a listener. Here he knows her very well, but not well enough, and he knows enough to know he needs to wait and let her know that it is safe to talk with him.
An incredible last scene. You finally take it outside of the bar. We finally get that glimpse into Grace's life!
ReplyDeleteHe’s too busy studying the dark circles underneath those eyes. - shift reflects the change well. He is no longer distracted by her superficiality, which does not go away, but he has learned to look ppast it. The last line also shows this very well.
Grace doesn’t flinch when he touches the ring on accident. - great symbol.
“It’s beautiful,” Grace whispers. - reflects a great and positive change in her, as simultaneously she elegantly describes the writing of the final scene.
she takes a picture out of her pocket - this final revelation really brings the story to a new level. they are ready to steep outside and deal with the death. step one is admitting you have a problem, or something, so only eleven to go…
Nate wonders what she is thinking about. He hopes that he’s gotten through to her, helped her in some way. - he does not know, and this admission is a huge jump from some of his earlier thoughts. Shows well how he had realised that there is more to her, and how curiosity had become real concern.
After a while, Grace turns to look at him. She smiles. “Thank you, Nate,” she says. “I think I really needed someone to tell me that.”
“I’m glad I could be of service,” Nate replies. / “Piss off,” Grace says, but she’s smiling. - looks like a normal exchange between them, but very different considering what is going on that they are not saying. Great way to wrap it up. The smile shows the change that has taken a long time to bring, but that will not go backward now. From here, the story moves forward. linearly.
It’s the first time Nate’s really seen her at peace. - great observation!
It’ll be a long healing process, Nate knows. But they’ve just taken the first step. - amazing ending, ambiguous enough to not be happy-ever-after, but hopeful and uplifting. It is a success, and it is a story of success.
THE END J - !
title game.
grace of a dragon lady. con: cheesy, cliché. pro: uh…
beyond the bar. con: cheesier, pro: kind of tells you the ending?
A ring of patience/hope.etc. con: sounds kinda dumb, pro: you can probably find a better way to use ring in the title.
piss off. con: banal, pro: said a lot.
the picture, the ring, and the woman. con: okay now we're just stealing from cs lewis…
grace kellington and the insatiable bartender. con: sounds like a bad harry potter book, tells you her name, and it's not really from her point of view either.
a modernist work with no title, set in a bar, taking placer in fragmentary parts ordered not chronologically, but in a new modernist way as to maximise aesthetic effect. con: this is modernism, dude. we don't do pro and con.
Or if you want to be like Faulkner you can pick a tittle that has nothing to do with the actual events of the story. The quote you had was good.
[lives of ]quiet desperation. con: tells you nothing about the actual story. pro: maybe that's a good thing.
And wow if you actually read through all of that! Sorry for so much, but it was such a great story it needed all that! Seriously this is the end.
Okay I lied, THIS is the end. but really. see, it's the last period. here-> .