Title: Take My Hand (any better ideas, let me know)
Warnings: serious concepts (mostly death and destruction)
Summary: A moment of decision for two people.
Length: Exactly 999 words (not counting the words "the end")
Notes: First point of view, present tense. Genre is drama.
Take My Hand
“Take my hand.”
She hesitates, glancing behind her. We don’t have time for this.
“I said, take my hand.”
She has a choice. She can leave behind everything she’s ever known or she can come with me. But she needs to decide now.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. Her wet blue eyes gaze into mine, willing me to understand. “I can’t do this.”
I stay still, poised at the edge, one hand still reaching toward her. “You’ll die,” I say. “You’ll die if you don’t come with me.”
She crosses her arms and lifts her chin. “Then I’ll die.”
I gape at her for a moment. This is going too far. “You’re crazy.”
She shrugs.
“Hey!” One of my people yells from across the bridge. “Are you coming or not? It’s going to blow, like, any second now.”
Now I’m the one glancing behind me. Now I’m the one deciding whether or not I should leave everything I’ve ever known.
Here’s the thing, though. She leaves behind everything she’s known to live. I leave behind everything I’ve ever known to die.
“You guys go on ahead,” I call. “We’ll catch up.”
The person gives a short nod and runs off as fast as they can. I can’t blame them.
I turn to her. “You have to get out of here,” I tell her. “We can’t afford to lose you.”
“We can’t, or you can’t?” she counters. My vision turns red-hot for a split second, but I only clench my hands and say nothing. If she wants to go there, then fine, but I won’t yell at her for it.
“I’m sorry. That was low,” she admits after a bit.
“I’m over it. Are you going to come with me now?”
“I told you,” she says, and her voice is so torn and sad it gives me pause. “I can’t.”
After a moment, I respond, “You can. You just don’t want to.”
She doesn’t deny it. Instead, she says with a strangely soft smile, “Can you blame me?”
We sit in silence for a while. It’s been many seconds now, but the city hasn’t blown yet. Maybe it never will; maybe the bomb was a dud. I really hope not. Getting it set up the first time was hard enough. This confrontation is hard enough.
“It has to be destroyed. We have to destroy them. You understand that, don’t you?”
She nods, but I can see no acceptance in the stubborn set of her arms. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“No. I get that. Now come with me while we still have time.”
I stand up and take her hand. I try to pull her toward the bridge, but she won’t budge. Eventually I give up and glare at her. “Are you suicidal?”
She makes a frustrated, strangled sort of half-scream. She almost stomps her foot, but seems to remember her dignity at the last second. “I thought you understand. I can’t go, I won’t go, and I don’t care if I die.”
“I care,” I say.
The silence that follows feels unbearably awkward. That we can still be dealing with these problems when the whole world (at least where we are) is going to explode any second now makes me want to laugh. But I know if I start laughing now, I’ll never stop, and I need to keep my cool.
“Listen,” I say past my suppressed laughter. “If you stay here you’ll die.”
She looks relieved to be free of the awkward moment. Then my words filter through her mind and her pretty eyes harden. “Then I’ll die,” she replies.
We’re going in circles here, but I don’t want to leave her. I have to, though, if I want to live.
I start backing away, step by step. I don’t want to lose you, I almost say. You’re being selfish, I want to say. I need you, I struggle to say.
She looks beautiful standing there. At the edge of the forest, the city in the distance, the bridge ahead. She’s wearing the blue sweater that brings out her eyes. Her cheeks are streaked with dirt and her shoulders slump with the weight of the world, but she’s never looked more gorgeous to me than now.
Now when she’s about to die.
“I can’t stay with you.”
She smiles that strange soft smile again. “I wouldn’t ask you to.”
I need to try one more time before I can accept this. “Are you sure you won’t go with us? You will die. It’s not worth it.”
She just shakes her head. “It is to me.”
I’m almost at the bridge now. She hasn’t moved, and suddenly I’m struck by an insane urge to kiss her. But that would never work.
“Boss?” One of my people calls. Someone’s been waiting at the other end of the bridge. I’m touched that they’d wait for me when the bomb’s about to explode. That’s loyalty.
“Coming!” I shout. I look back at her one more time. She gazes coolly at me.
“I don’t know whether you’re brave or stupid,” I say. “But I’ll always remember me.”
“And I you,” she says. I smile. It’s not enough, but it’s I’m going to get.
“Bye,” I say, and turn and run.
Later I’ll think about how “bye” was such a stupid last word to say to her. I’ll think about how I should’ve said “I love you” or tried to convince her one more time to come with us. Later I’ll wonder what her last words were. Did she say anything before she died? Or was it “And I you”? I hope her last words were to me.
Later I’ll wonder about all of these things, agonize over them, even. But now I reach the end of the bridge. My person grasps my arm and pulls me farther away. I glance back one more time and see her, a small, helpless figure all by herself.
Half a minute later, the bomb explodes.
THE END!
Wow, very intense! A great flash story - you get a feel for the back-story even though it isn’t explicitly referenced. That is a very good skill in short story writing, so don’t be afraid if it seems like it’s all action! Readers are able to catch on and figure out what’s happening, generally, and action helps to keep up the pace of the story (especially when you have a story that spans such a short moment, and such an intense one, that it should feel fast-paced.) Action can reveal backstory, as you so successfully demonstrated.
ReplyDeleteShe hesitates, glancing behind her. We don’t have time for this. - great, right away sets the urgency of the scene.
She has a choice. ... she needs to decide now. - again, when you have such a short piece you need to move fast, and this does. you set up the core conflict and again impress the need for urgency. Also, the wording is not too explicit, but makes it sound properly momentous.
I stay still, poised at the edge, one hand still reaching toward her. - great image!
It’s going to blow, like, any second now. - this sets up the scene, now you know more explicitly that there’s a bomb. It’s great how you slowly give pieces of the scene as it progresses - it makes it more interesting, and avoids a tedious description in the beginning.
Now I’m the one - good, turns the tables, and at least we see that he thought about staying with her, so we can try to forgive his later actions.
“We can’t, or you can’t?” - good and tense!
She doesn’t deny it. Instead, she says with a strangely soft smile, “Can you blame me?” - little pieces of their interaction tell us so much about their relationship and their various loyalties, while not slowing down the story, because the bomb is ticking...
It’s been many seconds now, ... Maybe it never will - even when the story slows down the intensity is still there. This hypothesising only makes the threat of the bomb more terrifying - what we don’t know is even scarier!
I really hope not. ... This confrontation is hard enough. - this says a lot about him and his loyalties, and makes the reader somewhat shift her/his image of the character.
“It has to be destroyed. We have to destroy them. You understand that, don’t you?” - interesting dilemma. The back-story that you claim not to have is actually extremely intriguing in its fragmented and subtle form. By not telling us all of it, you make it so much more mysterious (and hence interesting)!
That we can still be dealing with these problems when the whole world (at least where we are) is going to explode any second - interesting comparison and moment of reflexion, and really shows just how he cannot connect with her on the right plane.
I start backing away, step by step. - an interesting and horrifying turn, as we realise that he does care more for life than for her, and she does care more for her city (and family? - maybe that justifies her half) than for him. You do this very well, and make it extremely tense.
ReplyDeleteShe looks beautiful standing there. ... Now when she’s about to die. - overall, a beautiful paragraph!
---She’s wearing the blue sweater that brings out her eyes. Her cheeks are streaked with dirt - great use of detail, which we haven’t had much of before, the pace of the story not really allowing for it. This localised description is masterfully placed and extraordinarily effective!
---shoulders slump with the weight of the world - great image!
“I can’t stay with you.” ... “It is to me.” - this interaction shows so much about how they’re stuck.
“Bye,” I say, and turn and run. - great because of how fast and sudden it is, reflecting the whole story. Also, a great contrast to the following two paragraphs.
Later I’ll think ... But now I reach the end of the bridge. - a great way to set almost a mini-epilogue, and take us for a moment out of the tense, rushed narrative to reflect on what happened. Also, it makes the character a little more likeable for me.
Half a minute later, the bomb explodes. - great ending!
suggestions:
She can leave behind everything she’s ever known or she can come with me. - do you mean “and”? I thought this was all one choice, and she was either going to stay with all she had ever known or leave with him.
(at least where we are) - for me the whole vagueness of the scene worked well, but maybe don’t emphasise it so explicitly. Something like (or at least our whole world) would feel less forced to me, (because we assume the MC knows where he is, even if we don’t).
The person gives a short nod and runs off as fast as they can. I can’t blame them. - again, the vagueness works well, but unfortunately the English language doesn’t have a gender-neuter pronoun, and it’s hard to believe that the male MC would not know the gender of his companion. Plus, “they” just feels somewhat disconcerting.
“But I’ll always remember me.” - do you really mean this? If so, I lose a lot of respect for him! But I hope you mean “you.”
but it’s I’m going to get - all?
suggestions notwithstanding, and even withstanding, amazing story! You develop a great story so quickly, and keep us scrolling all the way to the little comment-box! Well done, very cool characters, an extremely interesting moment, and a realistic conclusion, even if tragic. Great flash story!!!
Intense is the word! Your powerful writing sets a scene that reads like a script. I can visualize this so vividly. I am amazed how you are able in 999 words create such drama. Very explosive -- literally and literary-ly!
ReplyDeleteHow exciting - I've never read a "flash" fiction before. Really enjoyed it and can't believe you managed to create such vivid characters and such a visual image in my mind in less than 1000 words. Just goes to show again what an amazing story teller you are! Great job.
ReplyDelete