Title: Of Knights, Dragons, and Maidens
Warnings: none really, just parody, some silliness
Summary: The medieval world from a Dragon's point of view.
Length: ~2,000 words
Notes: Third person point of view, past tense. Genre is fantasy and parody.
Of Knights, Dragons, and Maidens
Stella the Dragon had a good life. She got all the best sheep and had the best treasure pile of all the Dragons. But lately she had been very annoyed. It seemed that lately, those irritating Knights had been targeting her more than any other Dragon. The Knights never did any actual danger to her or her treasure, but they sure put her in a bad mood fast.
“They’re fun to tease,” Ike the Dragon had said when she complained about the increase in Knights trying to challenge her. “Just come up with new schemes to make fun of them.”
She had, and that had worked for a while, at least on the Knights that didn’t turn tail and run when they saw the size of her. Stella suspected that the ones that weren’t scared off by the size of her were enticed by the size of her treasure pile.
What could she say? She liked shiny things, and had collected quite a few over the years.
In fact, she was starting to think it was one shiny thing in particular that had caused this increase in Knights.
A couple of suns ago, she had scooped up something carrying a shiny thing and brought it to her lair. The shiny thing was on the neck of this creature, which had resembles to the Knights but wasn’t quite the same. It was softer and gentler. Stella thought it might be what those Knights were often going on about – a Maiden. But anyway, the point was that this Maiden was wearing something very shiny around her neck. Stella hadn’t wanted to try to get it off in the middle of a field somewhere, so she just picked up the Maiden (and the shiny thing) and brought them to her lair.
The problem was that Stella still couldn’t get the shiny thing off. And she didn’t want to cut the Maiden’s head off to get it. She was proud of never, ever having a bloody lair, at least not past the ledge outside her lair where Stella sometimes brought sheep she found. She’d been to Suzy the Dragon’s lair once, and only once. Let’s just say that Suzy had never heard of cleanliness.
The end result was that Stella had had this Maiden in her lair for quite a while. Maybe even a season. And in that time she had noticed a vast increase in the amount of Knights.
“You’re popular lately,” Ike had commented near the beginning of it. All of them had knights come maybe once or twice a season – the Knights always wanted a stab at their treasure (or the Dragons themselves). But in the past few suns since picking up the thing that Stella later decided was a Maiden, Stella had had more Knights than Ike and Suzy combined.
“Yeah, it’s weird,” Stella had said. “My treasure pile’s only a little bit bigger than yours.”
This had led to an argument about who had the most treasure, and Stella had forgotten about the increase in Knights for a while. But they kept coming. By the end of the season, Stella had had more Knights than Ike, Suzy, Ralph, Lawrence, Jenny, and Melissa combined. That’s when she finally figured out it must be the Maiden. Nothing else distinguished Stella from the other Dragons, at least not drastically enough to cause the dramatic increase in Knights. (Of course, Stella had the best treasure pile, but she didn’t expect the Knights to know that. Everyone knew that the Knights were not particularly smart.)
Once Stella found out, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to spread the word about Maidens being Knight-attractors. Sure, Knights were annoying, but there was also something sort of flattering about having a bunch challenging you all the time. She’d even had a few that were smarter than the average. One had almost made it past her by distracting her with a shiny plate and then trying to sneak under her tail. Luckily her tail was very sensitive, so she noticed. Also the Maiden was making a bunch of squeaky noises that had drawn her attention.
Stella had a feeling that the Knights wanted the Maiden back, or maybe the shiny thing around her neck. They weren’t getting the shiny thing, but once Stella could figure out how to get it off neatly they could have the maiden back. She didn’t care.
“Is the Maiden fun to have around at all, though?” Lawrence the Dragon had asked when Stella mentioned it. “Is she entertaining? Can you play with her?”
“She’s very fragile,” Stella said wisely, feeling like the expert on all things Maiden. “Once I tried to carefully get the shiny thing off her neck and she started bleeding. So I haven’t tried to touch her again. She isn’t difficult to have around, though. She doesn’t try to escape. At least not very much. Sometimes she’ll have these weird bursts of what she calls ‘Feminism,’ but even then her escape attempts are more beneficial to me than they are to her.”
Stella’s Maiden had played beautiful music to her once. Stella didn’t know much about music, but sometimes she heard it coming from the Castle and it made her want to cry, if Dragons could cry. It was a melancholy feeling, but a good one. The Maiden had found one of the shiny things and started doing something with it and it made music. But the Maiden also kept dropping off to sleep in the middle, which confused Stella until she realized that the Maiden was trying to get her to fall asleep, and then supposedly escape. It didn’t work, but Stella got to enjoy the music until sundown.
Another time the Maiden had pulled some thread and a needle from her voluminous clothing. Stella had gotten a bit worried when she saw the needle, but it was too small to do much harm and she could melt it with her fiery breath if she had to. The Maiden had worked with the needle and thread for quite a while. Stella had mostly ignored her, figuring it kept her occupied. Eventually, the Maiden had presented Stella with a sort of floppy, knitted… thing. After much gesturing, the Maiden got across that she wanted Stella to wear it on her head. It was supposed to protect her from rain, or something.
Stella suspected that the Maiden was trying to blind her so she could sneak out, but the hat wasn’t big enough to blind Stella and it did keep out the rain quite well, even if Jenny made fun of her for it.
“And now that it’s getting colder, she doesn’t try to escape anymore,” Stella told Lawrence. “I heard her murmured something that sounded like ‘Furnace’ the other night. She keeps on inching closer to me when we sleep, too. I think she likes that I’m warm.”
All in all, having a Maiden wasn’t bad. It was kind of like having a pet. Melissa the Dragon had tried to have a pet sheep once. (She was a weird one, Melissa. She had come from another Dragon Colony and had kept some of their weird customs and words, like never eating sheep and “Vegetarianism.”) The sheep had been too scared of Melissa for it to work, though. But the Maiden wasn’t too scared of Stella. She used to be, but after a season of living together without Stella doing anything too bad (she had apologized for accidentally slashing her neck; she didn’t think the Maiden had understood but it was the effort that counted) the Maiden had lost her fear, mostly.
No, having the Maiden was okay. All the Knights were pests but flattering. And the envy of the other Dragons was definitely worth having. It wasn’t a bad life. Stella just really wanted that shiny thing on the Maiden’s neck.
After sundown another Knight came up to her lair. He was panting and puffing, probably from having climbed up the cliff to get to her lair. He brandished his sword and shouted a lot, advancing a bit and stabbing in Stella’s general direction and then jumping backwards in case she struck. Once he jumped a bit too far and almost fell off the cliff. The only word he shouted that she understood was “Maiden.”
“The Maiden’s right here,” Stella told him. “You can have her if you can get off the shiny thing around her neck.”
The Knight just shouted a bit more. Stella had always thought that the Dragons and Knights would get along much better if they didn’t have this language barrier between them. Of course, Stella knew some words in Knight language. Like in his shouting right now, Stella recognized “Beast” and “Roar.” (She wondered if the Knight had understood anything she had said. Maybe Maiden? It was a Knight word, after all.) She was starting to get a bit tired of this Knight. He was a bit smarter than the others, but not enough to be entertaining or even much of a challenge. At least her Maiden could be entertaining sometimes.
Still, she was in a gracious mood so she let him prattle on a bit longer. Stella glanced back to see the Maiden watching the exchange with wide eyes and shivering a bit. That was when Stella realized a snowstorm was beginning.
Great. The Knight would probably be stuck here until the storm passed, which would be who knew how long. She wouldn’t be the first Dragon to host a Knight for a night – sometimes the stupider ones couldn’t figure out how to retreat for days. Ralph the Dragon had once had a Knight outside his lair for half a season. A bit like Stella and the Maiden, come to think of it.
Anyways. Stella didn’t particularly want to host the Knight, but he had hunkered down on the snowy ledge and was starting to look a bit blue. She knew if she let him near her he would try to take the Maiden away and probably some of her treasure too. But she didn’t want to have to clean up a frozen Knight the next time the sun rose.
Reluctantly, she moved aside her tail and ushered the Knight inside. He stared at her for a long time in disbelief, but she kept on beckoning him inside until he got the point. He kept his grip tightly on his sword (which would at most give her a sore neck if he tried to cut her head off) and walked inside. Quickly Stella covered the entrance, not letting any snow in.
The Knight rushed to the Maiden. They flung their arms around each other and pressed their faces against each other for a while. It looked like they were trying to eat each other. Maybe they were hungry. But Stella had been serving the Maiden cooked sheep, so that couldn’t be it. Eventually they pulled apart and started babbling. Stella heard “Beast” again and felt a flicker of annoyance. Melissa had said that “Beast” wasn’t a very complimentary word.
Whatever. The Knight was here for now and she had to make the best of it. Maybe he could help get the shiny thing off the Maiden’s neck for her. And hey, it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. She just noticed that the clothes he were wearing were kind of shiny. Very shiny, actually.
Score! Wait ‘till she told Ike. He always wanted to get his claws on the Knight’s shiny clothes, and this Knight had a shirt shinier than any she’d ever seen.
It was a good life, being a Dragon. Better than being an idle Maiden or a stupid Knight, that was for sure.
THE END! J
Fun fantasy! And written well too. You do a great job staying in character, so to speak, keeping the perspective true and therefore believable. It got me thinking that you should try a children's story one of these weeks!
ReplyDeleteAlways fun to see things from a different perspective - especially when the perspective is a dragon's!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this one! It is original and funny, always a good combination. When I saw the title I thought oh just another fantasy tale. But it’s not. You do spoofs very well, and making funny stories is not easy.
ReplyDeleteStella the Dragon had a good life. – hilarious way to start, you expect the dragons to be the enemies, not the Mcs. Also you generally don’t think of dragons living the good life.
Ike the Dragon – best name!
at least on the Knights that didn’t turn tail and run when they saw the size of her. – I love the descriptions of the knights.
What could she say? She liked shiny things – very funny, and also great way to show how dragon-thought can’t understand people.
it might be what those Knights were often going on about – a Maiden. – another brief line about the knights, these were incredible
so she just picked up the Maiden (and the shiny thing) and brought them to her lair. – and she just doesn’t get why they call it kidnapping…
Let’s just say that Suzy had never heard of cleanliness. – I also love how you keep sdroping hinst about other dragons, and how they interact. It’s very fun and original.
Ike, Suzy, Ralph, Lawrence, Jenny, and Melissa combined. – said this before, but love the dragons’ names!
there was also something sort of flattering about having a bunch challenging you all the time. – funny
Also the Maiden was making a bunch of squeaky noises that had drawn her attention. – like the brief descriptions of the knights, this is a great laugh-inducing look into the dragonbrain
feeling like the expert on all things Maiden. – you have so many wonderful one-liners
Sometimes she’ll have these weird bursts of what she calls ‘Feminism,’ – (very very very very minor thing) a little disorienting, because she seems to know so little about humans, how could she know it’s called feminism. If she can figure out that much, then either she’s stupid or you think the maiden could’ve explained she’s waiting to get rescued before.
Stella’s Maiden had played beautiful music to her once … made her want to cry, if Dragons could cry. – this is very nice to have in there, and a great line.
the Maiden presented Stella with a sort of floppy, knitted… thing. – very good scene, where we see the dragon and maiden are not really enemies like you’d expect. I like how you make ignorance, not evil, cause the problems.
He was a bit smarter than the others – really funny, because of how dumb he is.
She wouldn’t be the first Dragon to host a Knight for a night another hilarious hint at these unexpected relationships and how dragons view knights.
The Knight rushed to the Maiden. They flung their arms around each other and pressed their faces against each other for a while. – either the Maiden is a slut, or maybe this happens to be her husband. it’s a little unclear. But is sounds like a lot of knights were coming after her, and she doesn’t really care which.
Very shiny, actually. – another laughable lapse into dragon-think.
I love how you do the perspective and narrative, it really feels like the dragon talking. He misunderstandings are great and super funny! A very fun story, both a month a go and now.