Title: Waiting For Mommy
Warnings: none
Summary: One little girl is waiting for her mom to pick her up. One mom is desperate to pick up her little girl.
Length: ~ 1,150 words
Notes: Third person point of view (two perspectives). Past tense. The genre is probably closest to drama.
Waiting For Mommy
Minnie looked at her watch. It was pink and plastic-y and featured butterflies and flowers. Mommy had given it to her for her sixth birthday. Even though it was two years old, now, it was her favorite watch. But right now, she didn’t like what her favorite watch was telling her. It read 3:20 pm. Mommy should have picked her up twenty minutes ago! Where was she?
Minnie wasn’t having a very fun time. Nearly everyone was gone, and it was getting colder. Her best friend, Candy, had left a while ago, and she had nothing to do except sit by the curb with her arms crossed, wishing she had a jacket.
But really, it wasn’t the jacket that was the problem. It was wondering where Mommy was. She had never, ever picked her up late. Minnie remembered Mommy telling her a lot of stories about how she (Mommy, that is) had to wait for hours, days, weeks for her mommy to pick her up. It wasn’t a good thing, and Mommy hadn’t liked it very much, and so she promised that Minnie would never have to deal with it.
But now Mommy wasn’t here, and she was late, and Minnie didn’t know why.
This was worrying.
Ellen was frantic. It was 3:21, and she hadn’t picked Minnie up yet. Sure, she had her reasons – she’d gone to the grocery store to pick up some groceries, among them Minnie’s favorite ice cream (Rocky Road ). By then, it was 2:30 and Ellen had thought she had plenty of time. How was she supposed to know that the traffic would be absolutely awful?
Still, that was no excuse. She should have left an hour early, if only so Minnie didn’t have to wait.
Ellen knew that she could get a little paranoid over picking Minnie up. But she had her reasons. She still remembered how she felt as a young girl, waiting for her mom to pick her up. Because here’s the thing: her mom never picked her up. Not once. She was always too busy picking up beer. Or flirting with the guy who was selling beer. Ellen remembered one too many times when she had to decide to walk home herself because she realized her mom was never coming. She hadn’t ever wanted Minnie to feel like that, and now she was, because of something as trivial as traffic and groceries.
Worse, Ellen remembered how she always left after thirty minutes. Minnie was too much like her. She’d gotten out of school at 3:00 pm, and now it was 3:25. Ellen would bet that in about five minutes, Minnie would decide to start walking home by herself.
This wouldn’t be such a big deal if Ellen had some way to contact Minnie. She really should’ve bought Minnie a cell phone for emergencies, but she’d thought eight was much too young to have a cell phone. Although, on second thought, buying a cell phone for Minnie would’ve been pretty pointless, considering Ellen didn’t have one herself.
Still, she really should have figured out some kind of emergency plan. It was times like these when Ellen realized that she was completely hopeless as a mother. And really, why would she be any good as a mother, considering the one she had had?
Ellen pressed the pedal a bit more, speeding up. She still had time. She would make it. She would be a good mother.
Minnie was debating going home. It had been nearly half an hour. In her stories about her mom never picking her up, Mommy had said that after half an hour, she went home. But then again, Mommy had also advised her to stay in the same place if she was lost.
But it’s not like Minnie was lost. She was sitting right outside of her school, had been sitting there fore nearly half an hour. And she knew how to get home from school… sort of. She could always ask someone. Or just wander around and figure that she’d get there eventually…
But Mommy had taught her better than that, even if Mommy wasn’t here now. She would stay here.
Minnie stared at her fingernails and realized that she’d been biting them. She quickly stuck them under her legs, but then she just started biting her lip.
Where was Mommy? Was she hurt? Why wasn’t she coming? She better be coming.
Minnie sat alone on the curb, chewing her lip.
Surely Mommy was coming…
Ellen was almost there. The clock read 3:31 pm.
Well… supposedly the good thing was that if Minnie had decided to walk towards home at 3:30, Ellen should be able to find her pretty soon. Assuming she went the right way.
God. Ellen was so mad at herself. How had she let this happen?
She pulled up by the school, scanning the area for Minnie. Ellen found her almost immediately – a small, hunched over figure shivering by the curb. God. Poor Minnie. Ellen quickly opened the door and jumped out. Minnie hadn’t even noticed her arrival; she was staring at the ground… or her watch. The watch that Ellen had given her two years ago, and she had worn in faithfully ever since.
Minnie was a sweeter daughter than Ellen deserved.
Ellen quietly walked over to her daughter, who looked up as Ellen approached, a huge smile lighting up her face. Minnie stood up from the curb where she had been sitting and unhesitatingly launched herself into her mom’s arms. Ellen swung her around a bit, laughing and relieved. Minnie hadn’t tried to walk home herself. She was here, and safe, and she didn’t seem to hate her.
Later Ellen would explain everything, about the groceries and the traffic and why she was late. She’d give Minnie some of that Rocky Road ice cream. She’d discuss emergency plans and emergency cell phones. But for now, everything was okay. No words were necessary.
Ellen felt Minnie’s warm arms clinging to her neck, and felt her smile into her neck. Minnie was okay.
At that moment, Ellen realized something. Yes, in a way, she had failed. She hadn’t picked Minnie up on time and she had promised to always pick her up on time. But that was an unrealistic promise. She was letting her childhood wishes and fantasies get away with her. She hadn’t even considered the possibility that one time she’d be late to pick up Minnie, and so she hadn’t come up with a plan. Who knows what would’ve happened if Minnie had decided to walk home by herself or something? Things could have turned out a whole lot worse.
Ellen didn’t have to be perfect to be a good mother. Minnie still loved her even though she had been late. Ellen just had to be there, eventually, like her mother never was.
Ellen could do that.
The End! J
Omg! Such a great story. You can feel the tension and the rush going on. It's great that you add background information, so we know how and why the characters act that way. and, I think that Ellen is a good mom. She shouldn't think like that. and Minnie is a good daughter for not leaving the area. It's a great story, with valuable lessons. Great Job, Julianna!! :)
ReplyDeleteThis one is short n sweet! I agree with Helen that you weave in some strong tension. You also show the child and adult perspectives well against a backdrop of painful memories that unite Minnie and Ellen in purpose and adds powerful sentiment to their reunion. They both learn a life lesson and it gives Ellen insight and perhaps some closure. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWow - it's stories like this that make me realize how powerful a short story can be! You captured both the child's and the adult's perspective perfectly and even tied it up with a life lesson (the "good enough mother"). Very well done!
ReplyDeleteI hope you still remember this story even though it has been so long. It was nice and I had a good time re- reading it.
ReplyDeleteIt was pink and plastic-y ... Where was she? - I like the beginning because it is simple and straightforward and feels like a child's perspective. Right away you can understand Minnie's conflict, and how she cannot understand that her mother might be delayed
(Mommy, that is) had to wait for hours, days, weeks for her mommy to pick her up - exaggeration is good because it shows the reader how big of a deal this is to Minnie.
Still, that was no excuse. She should have left an hour early ... she could get a little paranoid over picking Minnie up. - you show how absurd her worry is first before explaining it. This is cool because you don't expect it to be as big a deal for the mother, but then you see how dedicated she is to her daughter.
She still remembered ... She hadn’t ever wanted Minnie to feel like that - this is an interesting and believable scenario, and I like how you develop it.
considering Ellen didn’t have [a cell phone] herself. - cool character detail that gives us just a little better picture of Ellen.
Ellen realized that she was completely hopeless as a mother - that is her real fear, but it's good how you present it in her voice as fact, when we know it isn't true.
there fore nearly half an hour. - for
But Mommy had taught her better than that, even if Mommy wasn’t here now. She would stay here. - I like how her faith in Ellen contradicts Ellen's voice saying she is a bad mother.
a small, hunched over figure shivering by the curb. God. Poor Minnie. - I like this initial description.
Minnie was a sweeter daughter than Ellen deserved. - this is sad. you do a good job using the child's voice to make this story not depressing. with the change of pov you can see how a lot of Eleen's fears are not true.
Ellen realized something. ... Ellen didn’t have to be perfect to be a good mother. - I like this realisation. it is an uplifting ending.
A very good story that makes excellent use of a changing viewpoint to show several sides of a traumatic but educational moment in both characters' lives!