Hi everybody! This week's story is a light-hearted sci-fi one about a robot who falls in love. It was inspired by an episode of the TV show How I Met Your Mother that included these lines: "The robot found love/Confusing my circuitry/My software's been hacked."
I hope you enjoy this story!
Title: Reason #1673985
Warnings: robots with feelings, a lot of numbers
Summary: CleanBot #33422 has been malfunctioning lately and he's not sure why.
Length: ~1,800 words
Notes: Third person point of view, past tense. Genre is sci-fi and romance and probably a little parody.
Notes: Third person point of view, past tense. Genre is sci-fi and romance and probably a little parody.
Reason #1673985
CleanBot #33422 was not having a very good day. At 0100 hours he had short-circuited and no one had even noticed until RepairBot #9974 had just happened to pass by him. RepairBot #9974 had wanted to know why he hadn’t signaled that he was in distress, and then CleanBot #33422 had had to explain that when he short-circuited even his distress signal didn’t work. So now they thought something was wrong with him and he’d been sent home for the day. He had to come back tomorrow so they could check up on him and make sure he was doing okay.
CleanBot #33422 was not used to having nothing to do. The Higher-Ups had instructed him to just stay in his chamber and not clean anything. Normally he powered down in his chamber, but they had even told him not to power down, just in case something was seriously wrong and he’d blow up if he powered down. Frankly, he thought they were making a bit deal out of nothing. He was perfectly fine.
Okay, maybe not perfectly fine. Lately he’d been malfunctioning more than normal. But it wasn’t in any of the 1673984 ways that he knew how to report. Except for maybe #100371: My Software’s Been Hacked.
Maybe that’s what he should tell the Higher-Ups when they checked up on him. It could be that simple. It would explain why he short-circuited at 0100 hours and why even his distress signal was broken. He had been lucky he’d broken down by Road #17, the 2nd most travelled road in the greater London
It had certainly seemed like he’d short-circuited. Or like his software had been hacked. But CleanBot #33422 had enough Artificial Intelligence to be able to figure out causation and correlation and other c-words, and he was pretty sure circuits and hacking had nothing to do with it. He had figured out another cause all together – CleanBot #1561.
Every time he saw her lately he’d suddenly malfunction. It was confusing and embarrassing. Like just a few days ago, on 11/11/2111, they had been cleaning up Road #4 together. They’d both reached for the same piece of trash at the same time and their claws had touched. CleanBot #33422 could swear that had happened to him with other CleanBots on plenty of occasions. But with CleanBot #1561, something was different. He’d freaked and started sending out sparks and almost burned the whole road down. The RepairBots said it was just a malfunction. He’d agreed with them, but then similar things kept happening.
When they worked together on Road #20, he’d suddenly lost control of his motion system and starting moving backward when he wanted to go forward, left when he wanted to go right, and vice versa. When they worked together by Dumpster #1 he’d suddenly been unable to grip things. Eventually the Higher-Ups were notified and they decided that he was allergic to CleanBot #1561, which was ridiculous. CleanBots weren’t ever allergic to anything. How would they do their job if they were?
But anyway, he hadn’t seen CleanBot #1561 since then – 11/13/2111. Now it was 11/16/2111 and this was the first time he’d short-circuited since. And now that he reviewed the data, he realized something – he’d seen CleanBot #1561 roll by him earlier today on Road #17, and then he short-circuited and couldn’t send a distress signal. Coincidence? His Artificial Intelligence thought not.
He could tell the Higher-Ups when they checked on him at 0800 hours tomorrow. It would be hard because Experiencing Malfunctions Because Of CleanBot #1561 was not one of his 1673984 ways to report a malfunction. But luckily #1673984 was Unknown Or Other Reason, so he could use that one.
All right. With that figured out, CleanBot #33422 had nothing to do but wait until 0800 hours and try not to clean things or power down. As a hard-working robot, boredom wasn’t something he was really used to. He wasn’t sure if he was even programmed to feel it. But in the next few hours, he was sure to find out.
Five hours later CleanBot #33422 was finally being taken to see the Higher-Ups. He’d discovered that he definitely could feel boredom. He should mention that to the Higher-Ups as well. Whose great idea was it to let robots feel boredom?
EscortBot #172 took him to the lab where the Higher-Ups worked. ScanBot #12 registered their serial numbers and credentials and then let them in. CleanBot #33422 had been in this lab often enough over the past few weeks, but it always impressed him. The ceiling was so high that even his night sensors couldn’t detect it. And the Higher-Ups were always bustling about in their long white lab coats doing important things.
One of the Higher-Ups came up to them. Her nametag read Ingrid.
“Thank you, EscortBot #172,” she said. “You can go now.”
EscortBot #172 rolled away and CleanBot #33422 was left behind. Ingrid turned her attention to him and sighed.
“CleanBot #33422 again, huh? What are we going to do with you?”
His tone sensors told him this was a Rhetorical Question, so he didn’t respond. They proved to be right (so at least that wasn’t malfunctioning), and Ingrid continued.
“So I heard you short-circuited again yesterday. I’m going to take a look at you and see if we can figure out what’s wrong.”
CleanBot #33422 powered up his screen and started writing. I KNOW WHAT’S WRONG, he typed.
“Oh?” Ingrid said. “What is it?”
He thought about the best way to phrase it. Finally: REASON #1673984: CLEANBOT #1561.
“Right, we decided you were allergic to her. But we split you guys up, right? You shouldn’t be around her.”
YES, BUT WAS ERROR. SAW HER AGAIN AT 0100 HOURS 11/16/2111.
“Hmm, I see,” Ingrid hummed. “We didn’t keep you two apart well enough. We just need to split you up better.”
CleanBot #33422 felt a weird whirring, hot feeling at the thought of being split up for good with CleanBot #1561. He had to stop this misconception before it was too late. NOT ALLERGIES, he explained. MAKES NO SENSE. CLEANBOT = NO ALLERGIES.
“Yes, we discussed that before, but Max and I decided that’s the only reason that makes sense. The other reason – well, it’s even more ridiculous.”
CleanBot #33422 couldn’t think of many reasons more ridiculous than allergies. CleanBots didn’t have allergies in their software.
LOOK AT OTHER REASONS, he urged. THINK IT’S SOMETHING ELSE.
“Okay,” Ingrid. “Why do you think you malfunction every time CleanBot #1561 is around?”
SAID ALREADY. REASON #1673984: CLEANBOT #1561. BUT NOT ALLERGIES.
Ingrid sighed. “Alright… let’s try this. What do you think of CleanBot #1561?”
CleanBot #33422 paused. What a strange question. What did he think of her? When he was around her, he was usually embarrassed or incapacitated or both, and he didn’t ponder her in actuality much. But now he let his Artificial Intelligence take over. Eventually he typed, SHE KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE HER TRASH.
“Hmm. Interesting. Anything else?”
VERY SHINY AND PRETTY. POWERFUL BECAUSE REASON #1673984: CLEANBOT #1561.
“So you’re saying she makes you malfunction because… she’s pretty? And good at cleaning?”
It seemed like a weird way to word things. But that was basically what he had said. CleanBot #1561 was shiny and pretty and he’d gotten distracted by that sometimes. When their claws touched and he had started sparking he had been amazed by how well she had handled the trash he’d nearly set on fire.
THAT IS CORRECT.
“Hmm,” repeated Ingrid. “Fascinating. Maybe Max was right, as ridiculous as that would be.”
She looked around the lab at the other Higher-Ups and called out, “Hey, Max! Come over here!” One of the Higher-Ups peeled himself away from something else he was working on and approached Ingrid and CleanBot #33422. His nametag read Max.
“What is it?” Max asked. CleanBot #33422 was wondering the same thing.
“This little guy here keeps on malfunctioning whenever he comes near CleanBot #1561. Remember, we had thought maybe he had allergies?”
“Yeah, you had thought that. I thought he might be in love.”
LOVE? WHAT IS LOVE? CleanBot #33422 asked. The Higher-Ups ignored him. He searched through his database for anything about love, but all he got was Does Not Compute.
“Exactly,” Ingrid continued. “I thought that was ridiculous, but when I asked CleanBot #33422 what he thought the problem was he said it was CleanBot #1561, and not because he was allergic to her, but because she’s pretty and shiny and good at cleaning.”
Max whistled. “Wow. That does sound like love – what we imagined robot love would be like, anyway. But how is that possible? He’s not programmed to feel love.”
BUT I AM PROGRAMMED TO FEEL BOREDOM? CleanBot #33422 questioned. Ingrid finally took notice of him.
“Boredom?” she frowned. “We didn’t program them to feel boredom, did we?”
Max shook his head. “Everything’s pointing to his Artificial Emotion getting out of control,” he muttered. “Maybe we should take him to the Wiping Station, or destroy him altogether.”
Now if that didn’t get CleanBot #33422’s attention, nothing would. Destroy him? Wipe him? No thank you!
NO! He protested. ARTIFICIAL EMOTION IS FINE. DON’T NEED WIPE OR DESTROY.
Ingrid nodded. “I think he’s right,” she said. “I think his circuits are just confused. If we explain to him what’s going on he’ll stop malfunctioning.”
“But we can’t have robots falling in love! He’ll never get any work done if he’d mooning after CleanBot #1561 all the time!”
STILL LIKE CLEANING. PLUS CAN CLEAN WITH CLEANBOT #1561 NOW THAT ALLERGIES REALIZED AS RIDICULOUS.
“He’s right,” Ingrid said. “Sorry, Max, but I’m going to have to override you on this one, too.”
Max muttered something that CleanBot #33422’s sensors couldn’t detect and walked away. Ingrid turned to CleanBot #33422.
WHAT IS LOVE? He asked again.
And Ingrid told him.
Ingrid took a long time to explain to him what love was. He still didn’t understand it entirely until he saw CleanBot #1561 again, picking up trash on Road #10. He’d been stunned by how beautiful she looked underneath the cloudy London
It was thanks to CleanBot #33422 (and, he supposed, just as much CleanBot #1561) that the Higher-Ups increased the list of reasons for malfunctions from 1673984 to 1673985. Reason #1673985: The Robot Found Love.
THE END! J
This is actually one of my favourite stories – it’s real funny, and its sweet, and it’s sci-fi! I don’t know where you come up with these ideas but they’re amazing. I had actually just been trying to do a comedy, and thought I had it, but it was still missing something… I should take your example more. You do comedy expertly, heartfelt, laugh-out-loud, and beautiful all at once. Incredible!
ReplyDeleteCleanBot #33422 … 0100 hours … RepairBot #9974 – love how you give such a nice sense of the robot world so fast with all these details!
Except for maybe #100371: My Software’s Been Hacked. – funny reason to be in their programming!
causation and correlation and other c-words, – good funniness
11/11/2111 – fun date.
They’d both reached for the same piece of trash at the same time and their claws had touched. – love the description of this.
Experiencing Malfunctions Because Of CleanBot #1561 was not one of his 1673984 ways to report a malfunction – magnificent!
Whose great idea was it to let robots feel boredom? – it is so weird and cool that the robots can reflect on how they are programmed.
EscortBot #172 … ScanBot #12 – you set up bot-world so nicely
His tone sensors told him this was a Rhetorical Question – nice, especially significant because understanding of language is very hard to program.
CleanBot #33422 felt a weird whirring, hot feeling – amazing description both funny and awww.
What do you think of CleanBot #1561? – 2100. The robot psychologist. Who would’ve known?
SHE KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE HER TRASH. – possibly one of the BEST LINES EVER!!! Made me crack up like a nut.
love, but all he got was Does Not Compute. – sad…
NO! He protested. ARTIFICIAL EMOTION IS FINE. DON’T NEED WIPE OR DESTROY. – poor robot has to listen to this.
Max muttered something that CleanBot #33422’s sensors couldn’t detect – lol, I missed this the first time. Epic plus funny way to pass over swearing and keep it g!
And Ingrid told him. – I like this line. it feels dramatic.
He understood then … – this is a beautiful and strange description of robot love well done.
Higher-Ups increased the list of reasons for malfunctions from 1673984 to 1673985. Reason #1673985: The Robot Found Love. – like the ending!
Awesome story. You are so good at making silly things serious and serious things funny. I think you get the award for Epic Comedy Win!
This is a very creative, clever and entertaining story. It has such a nice flow, and is thoroughly engaging. I like how you opened the door to robot emotion through feelings of boredom. This is one example of how the different threads of the story line knit a fabric that is a perfect fit. I am very impressed!!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. The description of how he felt - sending out sparks when their "hands" touched, going backwards and sideways when he wanted to go forward- was classic! The " higher- ups" should have a more exciting name. Otherwise I wouldn't change a thing!
ReplyDelete